Love of the spoke

We were sitting at the bar

Finishing our last drink

Talking like mature adults

And hormones did their thing

Run my hand under your dress

And gently squeeze your thigh

You’re wearing my wedding ring

I don’t need an alibi

Now I know that cathode ray

Lies and steals

It pays no attention

To the way that you feel

And I will pray without ceasing

I will play while unleashing Sanities and the vanities

And the empty keep reaching

Hope to be brutal

As I examine every motive

I will strain my soul

To hear the words of love spoken

Honey, I’ve got visions of your flesh

And more rolling around my brain

Hear angel voice choruses

Around each and every bend

When I come to you

With my bleeding little heart in my hand

Tough time getting it off my sleeve

But I knew you’d understand

Now I know that asphalt highway

Lies and steals

It pays no attention

To the way that you feel

I am stricken with malaise

I am smitten with the vapors

It defies all known description

Every current nomenclature

Given to excesses

Gross exaggerations

Manifold weaknesses

And diverse temptation

Now I know that James Earl Ray

Lies and steals

It pays no attention

To the way that you feel

Do you love me?

Do you love me?

The words were pressed against her tongue,waiting. But there never seemed a right time to say them.

Do you love me?

She hated herself for needing to know.After all,her breath mixed with hers often enough to shut anyone up.

Do you love me ?

She whispered into the wind so she wouldn’t hear

Do you love me?

She said, but what she really meant was, I  need to know you love me before I do something stupid,like let you in.

What she really meant was, you have seen me naked,all skin on skin,but will you stay if I let you see me raw?

 

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HER ♥

I met her

she was beautiful

So innocent yet intelligent

Beauty and brains making a perfect

package.

She was slow but sure about her steps.

She wanted it all,

She wanted it open.

With no labels put down.

She was open about her getting intimate and

finding her unknown spots.

Distance was not a problem.

She made efforts.

She was in a happy place.

Happy with where everything was headed.

It was not an easy road for her,

Bitter sweet memories about her ex were

still a dark storm.

She wanted to overcome it all.

Baby steps are leading her into a perfect

destination.

A dreamer, helper.

A lot is on her table, yet she walks with that

charming smile.

Hard to open, but when she is ready she

says it all.

Genuine and has a soft spot for those she

loves.

She seems ready,

Will she make it to the heart win?

Is this just a rebound?

Her honesty is deep.

Is this a chance to be happy again?

Should the past be an untold story?

Should we just get on the future and see

what mother nature has in store for us?

Is this the power of fate?

I want her as much.

Not just for her looks , intelligence is key.

Toxic

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of Armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

It was a toxic suffocation from the beginning. But I chose to ignore it. The warning signs were there, blaring words telling me to get out and protect myself before anything happened. But you calmed me. You spoke to the demons that haunted me and chased away the anxiety that plagued my body. You made me so certain that, this undefined relationship we shared was something that had long breached friendship and was simply clambering around for more. Our hugs would soothe me even after the most tumultuous day and you would whisper how nice it felt to be wrapped in familiar arms that felt like home. That statement boggled my mind and made me understand why everything with you was alright. Everything was calm, nothing hurt, and I felt like I could take on the world. Except you didn’t feel like home – you were home.

Home without a warning home packed up and left. Moved to the other side of the country and left me to fend for myself, if that was possible. Home took my strength as it found another occupant who publicized their new residence as I watched home from a distance finally feeling like what I’d become. I was homeless, but my home was still there but caring for someone else. That when the demons returned. Except these were new and constantly reminded me of the home I had lost. Reminded me of exactly what the perfect tenant should have been like. It was my fault that I no longer had a home and even now the pain still eats away at me as I close my eyes and try to forget the comfort and safety I was provided before I let it slip through my fingers. If I had noticed what was happening I would have held on harder, fought harder to keep that sense of belonging with me.

I wanted closure. We all wanted closure. Something that told us that it wasn’t our fault, that there wasn’t anything we could’ve done differently, and that it’s okay to move on now. But I didn’t get it – not from you. Sometimes you must figure out your own shit. You stop waiting for that apology or whatever it is you’re waiting for, you just pick yourself off the floor and force yourself to get on with your life. You find your own closure, with or without them

And to this day, I still wonder what it was about you. Despite every ounce of pain, hurt, betrayal, sacrifice… I continued to see nothing but good in you. Time after time, I would pick myself up after being hurt by you once again. I don’t know what those feelings I had for you were, but I believe that in some twisted messed up way, it was love. I love you. I loved you. I was infatuated with you, you were the only thing I was sure of, and I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted. Continue reading “Toxic”