I have never been good with dates,you know the typical journals type of writing things. So here I am, so undecided to write a lot about this girl who will never read these sticky notes that I kept leaving in her back pockets. How do I know she will never read them? Because I keep cleaning it off only to find the drafts where I left them.
Even after all this time, I have got to find it in me to love this life. Even after bad haircuts and flu season and nights spent staring at the ceiling, half-drunk and wondering what the point is. Even after my third slice of cold pizza and room temperature wine and pink eye. Hangnails, selfish sex, that little smudge on the mirror that never goes away. Even alone. Even in love. Even worse. The world, my mother used to tell me, is not my oyster. What she meant was, the world, too, is hard to love. Just like I. And even still. Even now, with all my carefully built walls caving in. Icy sidewalks lined with hungry people. Hopeless eyes. Empty hands open wide.
Here’s the truth: she doesn’t love me back. Or maybe it’s her. Shaggy-haired smart ass. she’s too far away to touch me the way I want, even then. A lover whose name I’m only now learning. Even after all this time. I Forgive her sharp edges. She, too, is doing all she can. She, too, deserves a chance at reinvention.”
For the first time,
I let her have her way with me.
My body,obeying the commands without my concept.
“Let’s get to the bathroom shall we?”
Her voice so strong,her eyes intimidating.
A few words that made my knees weak.
“How about you come do it yourself?”
Approaching me in a slow motion.
Her hand getting a good grip on my neck and choking me.
“I decide where to help.” She whispered and bite my earlobe.
I’d be lying ,if I said I did not cum.
I had to get myself together if not a punishment would await me for the next orgasm,
I’d have to work for it.
With only a big T-shirt covering me,I slowly removed it.
Her eyes ,full of lust.
Her hands having a good grip on my ass and neck.
Our lips meeting half way, fighting for dominance.
She reached for the tap and decided to kill the vibe.
The hot water dripping on us wasn’t helping the situation either.
Lifting me up ,as I let my legs find their way around her waist.
Pinning me to the wall.
“All these is mine.”
Biting my lower lip to control my moans.
“Let it all out, scream if you want to.”
She was doing everything right, from the choking how I like it.
Ass grab that makes me go insane.
To how she was rubbing on my Clitoris.
Multiple orgasms that were uncontrollable.
So close to each other,
Yet miles apart.
Without knowing ,what attraction they could feel for each other,
Their minds linked.
Just like wolves and vampires.
Their souls, with a big shout.
Mate is all that could be heard ,battling for who’s voice went loud.
Two alpha females,
Two dominant personalities,
How would they control each others dominance?
Who would be ready to bow down to the other Alpha?
Who would let their kingdoms merge without looking who cares?
I watched them get intimate,
The sight before me, couldn’t help with my sexual desires.
A flood that no meteorologists had predicted decided to descend.
It came with a whole tsunamis..
I crave her not the sex.
Her scent turns me on.
Her sense of humor,makes me elated.
Her cuddly hugs that make me feel safe.
Leading us to talk about anything and everything.
Her touch is magical.
Her reasoning shouts perspicacious.
I crave for her,
When the night falls,
For nights like those,
I wish they could last forever.
I crave for those times,
That I randomly kiss you.
I crave for those moments when I try to kiss you and you fight the kiss,
The way you try and dodge and cut it short.
I crave for those mornings when I wake up before you,just to look at all that beauty,
The way you sleep peacefully.
I crave to interrupt your sleep,
Just to show you how the sun is shining bright.
I crave to have a taste of everything you got in your mind.
I crave for you just as much as I want to mix my wine and candy.
I crave to have you in my arms and just play with your hair until you drift off to sleep.
I crave those skin on skin moments.
I crave for when you’ll find safety in me.
I watched you get into a relationship
I knew your partner was abusive
I could not spoil what you already have
I could not kill the joy that was showing on your face.
The beauty that came with attachment.
The beauty that came with your beautiful face smiling once again.
I pray that she changed.
I fear for your heart.
I know how fragile a Sagittarius can be.
I am happy, when I see you smiling.
I will not say the truth about you or her.
I will support you just like I did before.
This time I found me,
It was a hard journey ,
I sometimes regret but everything was worth the challenges.
Books,wine, candy and good music become my second home.
Movies once in a while made me keep in touch with the imaginary world.
Happiness became my first priority.
Trust became a vocabulary I could no longer keep in mind.
I hate love as much as I hate bananas.
Let me travel the world and enjoy the nature and new people.
Let me dance to the music they say is old school and boring.
Let me taste the fine wine from all over the world.
Let me make memories with myself.
I believe in falling in love with myself.
Let me taste the fine candy from different jars.
Let me make memories with my thoughts and writing.
Let me find me in the lost forgotten world.
Let me unlock my demons.
Boi have you fought a hard fight this year! For that I apologize. I never meant to make it tough for you. You were never fighting against the enemy – you were fighting yourself. I convinced you it was right and that there was something worth fighting for. I apologize for turning your mind against you. I gave you no hope of survival this year apart from the words that you ink onto paper before locking away. Apart from the escape of being in someone else’s shoes on stage for an hour or two and even then, the joy that once came with such activities disappeared. I’m sorry I let you believe that you weren’t worth that love. You weren’t good enough for that crush you had, you weren’t special enough for familial love and you (definitely) weren’t normal enough for platonic affection. Most of all you were never worth the love that flows from your heart in a never-ending stream waiting for someone to push it back, so you feel that heartbreak – letting it creep into every crevice, cementing the fact that you were unlovable. I was wrong. I was lost in the darkness that clouded my sight and turned my living days into the same nightmares I saw at night. That took away the joy and light of dreams and replaced them with a void of empty space as the violent thoughts corrupted my nights as well. I am sorry. I say it a lot to others, to the animals and even to the world we live in, but I don’t say it to you. I have hurt you more than anyone else possibly could have. I look back upon this year and I wonder when the hope lighting the way disappeared. The once ignited flame was lost in the shadows and there was no room for it in the self-pity I shrouded you with. Dear me, the new year is almost upon and I want to be better for you, help me be better.
This year I am not singing the fight song anymore,
This year all I want is positive vibes that will give me goosebumps.
This year all I want to sing more than anything else is “I feel glorious (Macklemore).”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !!!!
I wanted you.
Just as much as you had shown your interest.
You cared which was all a new word to me.
All I wanted is for the good things to happen.
I told you ,I will wait.
My patience ran out.
You wanted to own me, yet you never wanted labels.
I was never good with the flow.
I took my chances.
No doubt, it was scary as hell to love someone like you.
Knowing that I could lose you any moment, had my teeth gritted and knuckles white.
I overlooked all the red flags you kept giving me.
All I wanted is that happiness.
The slightest of them all.
All these time,I never knew you were pretending.
Pretending to care,
Pretending to go with the flow,
Pretending to be happy with me.
You waited for the last argument we had.
You called it off.
Not caring about my feelings.
I was broken yet again,
I melted my walls for you,
It was too late to realize you only used me for the pleasure.
I wanted everything from love.
And I always end up disappointed.
It’s haunting how I can’t seem to find myself again.
My walls are closing in.
Nobody will protect you from your suffering.
You can’t cry it away,
Eat it away
Starve it away
Walk it away
Punch it away
Even therapy it away.
It’s just there and you have to survive it.
You have to endure it.
You have to live though it
Move on and be better for it
Run as far as you can in the direction of your best.
Happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.
This year,I got a chance to attend the out film festival .The movies came right after the famous Rafiki was banned in Kenya. (Rafiki ;Is the first Kenyan feature film to compete at the prestigious Cannes film festival). It was not part of the festival given it only had a week to be in the cinemas in Kenya. It was supposed to be nominated for the Oscars and for that to happen, the movie must be watched in your home country.
Thanks to National Gay and Human Rights Commission (NGLHRC) due to the impact they pulled during Rafiki we were able to have all these breathtaking movies and documentaries here in Kenya. With guests coming from Uganda,South Africa ,Germany and The U.K. Panel discussion after every movie made the movies worth it more.
The theme which was WE DO NOT HAVE THE LUXURY OF SHAME,is lifted from a conversation between Blanca and Damon ,two characters from POSE. The show is the first scripted television series to feature mostly trans actors of color in starring roles and has been hailed as a solid and saucy representation of NYC ballroom culture that waves in matters of race,sexuality and class. Here in Kenya ,Well we can’t help think of Kena and Ziki from Rafiki and how the simple-mindedness and cruelty of people will break your heart.
I had a chance to watch the following movies and documentary:
Duo impacto (2017).
Short Documentary .
Directed by Molly Harding/Miranda Everingham/ Alexandra Nagy.
Run time : 8 minutes.
Language : Spanish with English subtitles.
Duo impacto is a short documentary film,shining a light on two women’s effort to challenge gender expectations and spread acceptance and understanding in their rural community in Havana,Cuba. A lesbian couple sharing their experience about coming out of the closet.
Director: Akosua Adomo Owusu.
Run time : 8 minutes.
Region : Ghana -USA.
Language :English .
This is about a young Ghanaian man struggling to reconcile his love for his mother with his love for same-sex desire amid the increased tensions incited by the same sex politics in Ghana.
Director : Deepa Mehta.
Run time :108 minutes.
Region : Canada India.
Language: English Hindi.
Radha is unwavering in her devotion to her husband Ashok,despite their barren and sexless arranged marriage.For 15 years Radha has been the consummate Indian wife Ashok,under the guidance of the spiritual leader,is attempting to rid himself completely of any form of desire.
Ashok’s brother Jatin has brought home his new Sita ,but is unwilling to give up his relationship with his Chinese girlfriend. Sita’s presence causes the threads that held the family together to unravel.While each member tries to hang on to a semblance of allegiance to the deeply rooted traditions of Indian family life,at the same time all of them are seeking to express their own personal need.
This was my favorite one ……..
Beats per minute(2017).
Director: Robin Campillo.
Run time : 143 minutes.
Language: French with English subtitles.
Paris.A group of activists goes to battle for those stricken with HIV/AIDS, taking on sluggish government agencies and major pharmaceutical companies in bold,invasive actions.The organization ACT UP and it’s members,many of them gay and HIV positive ,embrace their mission with a literal life -or-death urgency.Amid rallies,protests,fierce debates and ecstatic dance parties,the newcomer Nathan falls in love with Sean,the group’s radical firebrand and their passion sparks against the shadow of morality as the activists fight for a breakthrough.
Director: Andrew Haigh.
Run time: 97 minutes.
Language : English.
One night stand that becomes something more an unconventional love story between two young men trying to make sense of their lives. Friday night after hanging out with his straight mates,Russell heads out to a night club,alone and on the pull. Just before closing time he picks up Glen and so begins a weekend in bars and in bedrooms,getting drunk and taking drugs,telling stories and having sex that will resonate throughout their lives.
Shake down (2018)
Director : Leilah Weinrub
Run time : 82 Minutes
Region : USA
Language : English
A story of Los Angeles’ black lesbian strip club scene and it’s genesis. Owned and operated by women,underground and illegal in nature,the club shakedown is the darker,faster,younger iteration of this dance culture. The film is a window into this world. Shakedown emerged from a post riots,post-OJ ,post- integration but still very racially divided Los Angeles.In this divided city shakedown is an independent ,all black and all female cash economy.
Saturday church (2017).
Run time: 82 minutes.
Region : USA.
Language : English.
14-year-old Ulysses has just lost his father.His mother Amara is left to raise her two young children with the only help of their strict and conservative aunt Rose.Ulysses is now expected to be the man of the house and shoulder his responsibilities.The shy and effeminate Ulysses has another challenge to comfort: He is not comfortable in his own skin.His family pretends that he is just going through a phase,Ulysses is also being bullied at school for his introversion and sensitivity. He finds an escape by creating a world of fantasy for himself,filled with glimpses of beauty,dance and music.
Saturday church is a colorful and celebratory musical journey into the world of a boy struggling to find his own identity.
Director :Grant Lahood.
Run time :68 minutes.
Region: Diverse ( New Zealand, Germany,USA,South Africa,Australia).
When a baby is born, the first question we ask….”Is it a boy or a girl?”
What if it’s neither?This documentary takes a look into the world of intersex people.
The 1 in 2000 of us whose bodies fall somewhere between male or female.
Intersexion looks beyond the shame and secrecy that defines many intersex births and explores how intersex people with their very different bodies navigate with their way through childhood,adolescence,relationships and adulthood,when they don’t fit the binary model of a solely male and female world.
Here comes another one that was my favorite.
A fantastic woman(2017).
Director : Sebastian Lelio.
Run time: 104 minutes.
Language: Spanish,With English subtitles.
Marina and Orlando are in love and planning for the future.Marina is a young waitress and aspiring singer.Orlando is 20 years older than her and owns a printing company. After celebrating Marina’s birthday ,one evening, Orlando falls seriously ill.Marina rushes him to the emergency room,but he passes away just after arriving at the hospital.Instead of being able to mourn her lover,suddenly Marina is treated with suspision.The doctors and Orlando’s family don’t trust her .A woman detective investigates Marina to see if she was involved in his death.Orlando’s ex-wife forbids her from attending the funeral to make matters worse Orlando’s son threatens to throw Marina out of the flat she shared with Orlando.Marina is a trans woman and for most of Orlando’s family,her sexual identity is an aberration,a perversion.Marina struggles the right to be herself.She battles the very same forces that has spent a lifetime fighting just to become the woman she is now a complex strong,forthright and fantastic woman.
Besides the movies and documentaries ,I met amazing people at the after party that happened at Heinrich Boll foundation. Music was performed by Dj Ray,Blvck Moon,Dj Rachael,Yellow light Machine and the ISHTAR DOLLS.
This made my November and given it’s the beginning of Sagittarius season ,I thought why not share my best moments.