HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

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Boi have you fought a hard fight this year! For that I apologize. I never meant to make it tough for you. You were never fighting against the enemy – you were fighting yourself. I convinced you it was right and that there was something worth fighting for. I apologize for turning your mind against you. I gave you no hope of survival this year apart from the words that you ink onto paper before locking away. Apart from the escape of being in someone else’s shoes on stage for an hour or two and even then, the joy that once came with such activities disappeared. I’m sorry I let you believe that you weren’t worth that love. You weren’t good enough for that crush you had, you weren’t special enough for familial love and you (definitely) weren’t normal enough for platonic affection. Most of all you were never worth the love that flows from your heart in a never-ending stream waiting for someone to push it back, so you feel that heartbreak – letting it creep into every crevice, cementing the fact that you were unlovable. I was wrong. I was lost in the darkness that clouded my sight and turned my living days into the same nightmares I saw at night. That took away the joy and light of dreams and replaced them with a void of empty space as the violent thoughts corrupted my nights as well. I am sorry. I say it a lot to others, to the animals and even to the world we live in, but I don’t say it to you. I have hurt you more than anyone else possibly could have. I look back upon this year and I wonder when the hope lighting the way disappeared. The once ignited flame was lost in the shadows and there was no room for it in the self-pity I shrouded you with. Dear me, the new year is almost upon and I want to be better for you, help me be better.

This year I am not singing the fight song anymore,

This year all I want is positive vibes that will give me goosebumps.

This year all I want to sing more than anything else is “I feel glorious (Macklemore).”

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !!!!

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