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Toxic

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of Armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

It was a toxic suffocation from the beginning. But I chose to ignore it. The warning signs were there, blaring words telling me to get out and protect myself before anything happened. But you calmed me. You spoke to the demons that haunted me and chased away the anxiety that plagued my body. You made me so certain that, this undefined relationship we shared was something that had long breached friendship and was simply clambering around for more. Our hugs would soothe me even after the most tumultuous day and you would whisper how nice it felt to be wrapped in familiar arms that felt like home. That statement boggled my mind and made me understand why everything with you was alright. Everything was calm, nothing hurt, and I felt like I could take on the world. Except you didn’t feel like home – you were home.

Home without a warning home packed up and left. Moved to the other side of the country and left me to fend for myself, if that was possible. Home took my strength as it found another occupant who publicized their new residence as I watched home from a distance finally feeling like what I’d become. I was homeless, but my home was still there but caring for someone else. That when the demons returned. Except these were new and constantly reminded me of the home I had lost. Reminded me of exactly what the perfect tenant should have been like. It was my fault that I no longer had a home and even now the pain still eats away at me as I close my eyes and try to forget the comfort and safety I was provided before I let it slip through my fingers. If I had noticed what was happening I would have held on harder, fought harder to keep that sense of belonging with me.

I wanted closure. We all wanted closure. Something that told us that it wasn’t our fault, that there wasn’t anything we could’ve done differently, and that it’s okay to move on now. But I didn’t get it – not from you. Sometimes you must figure out your own shit. You stop waiting for that apology or whatever it is you’re waiting for, you just pick yourself off the floor and force yourself to get on with your life. You find your own closure, with or without them

And to this day, I still wonder what it was about you. Despite every ounce of pain, hurt, betrayal, sacrifice… I continued to see nothing but good in you. Time after time, I would pick myself up after being hurt by you once again. I don’t know what those feelings I had for you were, but I believe that in some twisted messed up way, it was love. I love you. I loved you. I was infatuated with you, you were the only thing I was sure of, and I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted. Continue reading “Toxic”

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So close to each other,
Yet miles apart.
Without knowing ,what attraction they could feel for each other,
Their minds linked.
Just like wolves and vampires.
Their souls, with a big shout.
Mate is all that could be heard ,battling for who’s voice went loud.

Two alpha females,
Two dominant personalities,
How would they control each others dominance?
Who would be ready to bow down to the other Alpha?
Who would let their kingdoms merge without looking who cares?

I watched them get intimate,
The sight before me, couldn’t help with my sexual desires.
A flood that no meteorologists had predicted decided to descend.
It came with a whole tsunamis..

I CRAVE HER

 

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I crave her not the sex.

Her scent turns me on.

Her sense of humor,makes me elated.

Her cuddly hugs that make me feel safe.

Her company,

Leading us to talk about anything and everything.

Her touch is magical.

Her reasoning shouts perspicacious.

 

I crave for her,

When the night falls,

For nights like those,

I wish they could last forever.

I crave for those times,

That I randomly kiss you.

I crave for those moments when I try to kiss you and you fight the kiss,

The way you try and dodge and cut it short.

I crave for those mornings when I wake up before you,just to look at all that beauty,

The way you sleep peacefully.

 

I crave to interrupt your sleep,

Just to show you how the sun is shining bright.

I crave to have a taste of everything you got in your mind.

I crave for  you just as much as I want to mix my wine and candy.

I crave to have you in my arms and just play with your hair until you drift off to sleep.

I crave  those skin on skin moments.

I crave for when you’ll find safety in me.

 

Maybe I am not that friend.

I watched you get into a relationship

I knew your partner was abusive

I could not spoil what you already have

I could not kill the joy that was showing on your face.

The beauty that came with attachment.

The beauty that came with your beautiful face smiling once again.

I pray that she changed.

I fear for your heart.

I know how fragile a Sagittarius can be.

I am happy, when I see you smiling.

I will not say the truth about you or her.

I will support you just like I did before.

I found me.

This time I found me,

It was a hard journey ,

I sometimes regret but everything was worth the challenges.

Books,wine, candy and good music become my second home.

Movies once in a while made me keep in touch with the imaginary world.

Happiness became my first priority.

Trust became a vocabulary I could no longer keep in mind.

I hate love as much as I hate bananas.

Let me travel the world and enjoy the nature and new people.

Let me dance to the music they say is old school and boring.

Let me taste the fine wine from all over the world.

Let me make memories with myself.

I believe in falling in love with myself.

Let me taste the fine candy from different jars.

Let me make memories with my thoughts and writing.

Let me find me in the lost forgotten world.

Let me unlock my demons.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

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Boi have you fought a hard fight this year! For that I apologize. I never meant to make it tough for you. You were never fighting against the enemy – you were fighting yourself. I convinced you it was right and that there was something worth fighting for. I apologize for turning your mind against you. I gave you no hope of survival this year apart from the words that you ink onto paper before locking away. Apart from the escape of being in someone else’s shoes on stage for an hour or two and even then, the joy that once came with such activities disappeared. I’m sorry I let you believe that you weren’t worth that love. You weren’t good enough for that crush you had, you weren’t special enough for familial love and you (definitely) weren’t normal enough for platonic affection. Most of all you were never worth the love that flows from your heart in a never-ending stream waiting for someone to push it back, so you feel that heartbreak – letting it creep into every crevice, cementing the fact that you were unlovable. I was wrong. I was lost in the darkness that clouded my sight and turned my living days into the same nightmares I saw at night. That took away the joy and light of dreams and replaced them with a void of empty space as the violent thoughts corrupted my nights as well. I am sorry. I say it a lot to others, to the animals and even to the world we live in, but I don’t say it to you. I have hurt you more than anyone else possibly could have. I look back upon this year and I wonder when the hope lighting the way disappeared. The once ignited flame was lost in the shadows and there was no room for it in the self-pity I shrouded you with. Dear me, the new year is almost upon and I want to be better for you, help me be better.

This year I am not singing the fight song anymore,

This year all I want is positive vibes that will give me goosebumps.

This year all I want to sing more than anything else is “I feel glorious (Macklemore).”

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !!!!

Broken Crayons.

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I wanted you.

Just as much as you had shown your interest.

You cared which was all a new word to me.

All I wanted is for the good things to happen.

I told you ,I will wait.

My patience ran out.

You wanted to own me, yet you never wanted labels.

I was never good with the flow.

I took my chances.

No doubt, it was scary as hell to love someone like you.

Knowing that I could lose you any moment, had my teeth gritted and knuckles white.

I overlooked all the red flags you kept giving me.

All I wanted is that happiness.

The slightest of them all.

All these time,I never knew you were pretending.

Pretending to care,

Pretending to go with the flow,

Pretending to  be happy with me.

You waited for the last argument we had.

You called it off.

Not caring about my feelings.

I was broken yet again,

I melted my walls for you,

It was too late to realize you only used me for the pleasure.

I  wanted  everything from love.

And I always end up disappointed.

It’s haunting how I can’t seem to find myself again.

My walls are closing in.

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Side note 5.

Nobody will protect you from your suffering.

You can’t cry it away,

Eat it away 

Starve it away

Walk it away 

Punch it away 

Even therapy it away.

It’s just there and you have to survive it.

You have to endure it.

You have to live though it

Love it

Move on and be better for it 

Run as far as you can in the direction of your best.

Happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.