Toxic

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of Armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

It was a toxic suffocation from the beginning. But I chose to ignore it. The warning signs were there, blaring words telling me to get out and protect myself before anything happened. But you calmed me. You spoke to the demons that haunted me and chased away the anxiety that plagued my body. You made me so certain that, this undefined relationship we shared was something that had long breached friendship and was simply clambering around for more. Our hugs would soothe me even after the most tumultuous day and you would whisper how nice it felt to be wrapped in familiar arms that felt like home. That statement boggled my mind and made me understand why everything with you was alright. Everything was calm, nothing hurt, and I felt like I could take on the world. Except you didn’t feel like home – you were home.

Home without a warning home packed up and left. Moved to the other side of the country and left me to fend for myself, if that was possible. Home took my strength as it found another occupant who publicized their new residence as I watched home from a distance finally feeling like what I’d become. I was homeless, but my home was still there but caring for someone else. That when the demons returned. Except these were new and constantly reminded me of the home I had lost. Reminded me of exactly what the perfect tenant should have been like. It was my fault that I no longer had a home and even now the pain still eats away at me as I close my eyes and try to forget the comfort and safety I was provided before I let it slip through my fingers. If I had noticed what was happening I would have held on harder, fought harder to keep that sense of belonging with me.

I wanted closure. We all wanted closure. Something that told us that it wasn’t our fault, that there wasn’t anything we could’ve done differently, and that it’s okay to move on now. But I didn’t get it – not from you. Sometimes you must figure out your own shit. You stop waiting for that apology or whatever it is you’re waiting for, you just pick yourself off the floor and force yourself to get on with your life. You find your own closure, with or without them

And to this day, I still wonder what it was about you. Despite every ounce of pain, hurt, betrayal, sacrifice… I continued to see nothing but good in you. Time after time, I would pick myself up after being hurt by you once again. I don’t know what those feelings I had for you were, but I believe that in some twisted messed up way, it was love. I love you. I loved you. I was infatuated with you, you were the only thing I was sure of, and I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted.

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 10

You didn’t talk to me when you were happy,

when you were with her.

I had to text you and wait quite long to get a reply.

I was at my lowest and you,

My friend,

Weren’t there.

But now,

Now that you are heartbroken ,miserable, sad , alone and she isn’t with you,

I am the one you constantly talk to.

I am the one you need to cheer you up.

I am the one who is keeping you safe from having your heart broken again by her.
Am I keeping you away from her to keep you safe ?

Am I keeping you away from her to keep you close?

You really did believe that she was the one for you

So you gave it your all.

You did all you could to make her like you.

You became her best friend, the one he could laugh with and cry to.

But you weren’t the one for her.

And it broke your heart and  your spirit.

But she was the one to lift you up.

Isn’t that enough? To be the one she can’t bear to see unhappy.

To be the one she cares about and would do anything she could to just make sure that you feel better.
Maybe you’ll find someone like her.

Maybe you’ll find someone better.

But one thing that you can be sure of is that she will always have your back and you will always have her.
And that friendship, my love, is so much more than just love.

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 9

She keeps saying every breath you’re breathing is a beautiful song

My inner demons ,

Always on my toes trying to convince me otherwise

Is she just saying that to make me feel vulnerable?

Does she mean it from deep down?

Am I overthinking ?

should I just take the compliments ?

My best friend, always tell me

Tell your truth and get closure.

That it’s okay to be in love and feel loved

That it’s okay to express the love even when it’s unrequited.

I just can’t,seat and wait for unrequited love to continue investing in my time

I keep believing maybe it’s not my turn with you.

Fuck being a hopeless romantic.

I still believe in another universe we are going to be together (hysterical laughter)

As if you will be seated waiting for me to come

I still believe I love you ,even when there is no love being expressed from your end.

Simply because I can’t break your heart!

I could not stop myself from doing this,

This, this– to adore you,

Just to find my way to you,

To nest myself in your heart and call it home.

I begin to ask myself,

Does love have a season for us?

Are you the movement of spring or the beginning of the new moon?

How will our shadows meet?

What will your hand say to my hand when they hold each other?

Why did the sun kiss the sea?

Are we just a chance or a mere happenstance?

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 8

So many versions of just one memory, and yet none of them were right or wrong. Instead, they were all pieces.

Only when fitted together, edge to edge, could they even begin to tell the whole story…

I keep running to avoid expressing my feelings…..

so I  ran,

In defense of my fragile dreams

woebegone, helpless and broken

back to where it all began

growls and sighs,

sweet pleasured screams

what souls have spoken

can never come undone

love rests in my eyes, in the moon

who somehow, somehow

still

defies the sun……….

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 7

I believe that deep down we all want what is best for ourselves and when given a choice between holding on through adversity and letting go of what is lost we will always try to choose the right path.The problem is though, in a tightly clenched fist, hope and false hope look exactly the same.

But this time,I took the risk.

The risk to open up ,

The risk to go for a date,

The risk to allow myself to be genuinely happy without limiting myself.

Flow the river ,flow  !

Connect to the ocean with no ending.

I knew I’d follow her anywhere. When my sister used to talk about being in love, she said it felt like someone wrapping you inside of them. And that’s what I felt like now, like slowly I was being wrapped inside of her, inside her eyes, inside her voice, inside the way she talked about things…….

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 6

*I fucking love her ass man*

‘Ahhh fuck” I moaned grabbing on her head between my legs.

“Oooh fuck” I added.

The way she ran her tongue across my pussy was pure blissfulness.

Like heaven.

“I missed this,”she moaned.

“Ahhh fuck” I threw myself back into the water ,as I felt myself cumming…

“ssshiiit,fucking yes “As I pulled her to kiss me.

“Mmmh”I said as she was just rubbing on me .

“Not so bad,”she said straddling me .

“Not at all.Bath tub second day in a row?”I said.

“Yeah and?'”She kissed my neck

“What’s wrong with fucking in our tub in the middle of the night?” she smiled as I pulled her closer.

“Nothing ,shut up” I laughed and just looked at her .

She was genuinely pretty.

“Why are you starting at me boi?”……

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 5

You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of your  heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth…

And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn.

 

IF SAMSON WAS A WOMAN.

By Annie.

 

See, I have been killing myself in the gym trying to acquire that summer body. Sigh! You know I’ve been packing up on that happy fat, the comfortable fat, the everything is okay you can eat whatever you want without feeling bad about it. So here I am chubby and happy then enters Samson. We have been talking and all; I have been giving it a month or so till I meet this gorgeous human. That’s where the gym came in, let’s all laugh at my efforts of trying to look good for Samson. My Samson.

Preference

I have always liked my people with a little bit of hair so I can grab it whenever its going down, not thick thighs, not smoky eyes just a little hair on the head. Maybe it’s because of my former roommates’ woman; she had an Afro to die for. I always wanted to bed her. I never did though, not because I was being a good person…I just never got the chance. So Samson? Triple portions of God’s goodness, everything I worshiped, exceptionally strong and of course the full head of hair, falling down to her butt. I was happy.

My phone beeps; I check it, its Samson.

I smile open the text,”I wanna see you today”

My heart drops straight to my tummy not because I’m scared or sad, I am excited but more nervous. It’s only been two weeks in that gym, I wasn’t especially following any diet so I am definitely not in shape to see my sexy Rapunzel. Anyway, I am too weak to say no to Samson.

Me:  “What time?”

Samson: ‘ASAP!’

She had an Ego bigger than her frame. Have you met those people who just exude arrogance? Selfish? She was selfish, not the extremely cute type, Samson wanted it all and she wanted it for herself. Probably why I got drawn to her, red flag you might say, I know…I know…I tend to get attracted to that color.

I don’t know why the urgency but Samson called, I go!

Drop pin, I text her. She does almost immediately like she was literally waiting for that moment. I head to her house.

‘Hey, I’m outside will you come get me?’

‘On my way’

So here comes this well built woman, she is tall and her hair, ooh my God her hair! Her smile? Let’s not even get to that. I am a nervous mess, the few shots I took at home aren’t helping. I hug Samson it’s so warm and laced with a lot of want.

We talk, it’s good. Alcohol, always a convenient scapegoat in case things go south. Both Tipsy, sexual tensions off the roof. I scoot over to wrap my arm around her neck. Remember the ego? Samson would never make the first move.  Her focus breaks from the TV, her lips tickled my neck, and I closed my eyes my breathing becoming shallow as her hand snuck under the front of my shirt.

My other hand, gently pried her locks away from her neck giving my lips more access. Her lips trailed on my neck, the tip of her tongue slipping into a tease and my breath hitched.

“Promise you’ll still want this in the morning” Samson hissed

‘I will’ I said this with a submissive whimper.

We kissed, in gentle bursts at first then life happened. It was disgustingly delicious.

I will kiss Samson again and I will love it.

 

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 4

Putting down the book on my hand,
I turned to my best friend.
“You know, if she and I were still together, she would be mad at me for giving books too much attention instead of talking to her.”
“And truth be told,” I continued, “I actually love it when she gets mad.”
“What are you, a masochist?”
“No, it’s not like that.” I replied to my best friend,
“She used to get mad at me a lot over the smallest things, and it was frustrating. But that’s what I miss the most about her right now because now I know that she was mad for one goddamned reason.”
Looking at the watch she gave me, as a late birthday present.
Thinking how she keeps saying, “You know I am not good with dates.”
“And the reason was, she cared. She was mad only because she cared.”

 

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 3

She once asked me what happiness was to me.
I sat next to her on the couch with a bag of crisps and a bottle of wine in my hand. Honestly didn’t know what to answer back then.
In a million year if that’s even possible didn’t expect the same question to pop again.
“What about now?” she asked as I opened and offered the bag of crisps to her and the wine glass.
I gave her a funny look while dipping my hand in it.
“Now……… I…………..do.”
Why is that then?
This, I showed her the chip and ate it.
She let out a laugh and gently shook her head in disbelief.
And …….of course I added, eating another crisp while sipping my wine,
A good shoulder to lean on every once in a while.
But not just any shoulder,
I leaned my head on her shoulder, relaxing for a while,
She did what she does best, finishing my sentences…….
It has to be the shoulder of the one I truly care about

THE LETTERS YOU WILL NEVER READ 2

Today I woke up on the same bed all by myself,

I touched your side to feel your warmth,

The bed side was empty and cold.

I don’t remember having a conversation about early meetings.

Today you didn’t even wake me up with the morning kisses,

Not even a sticky note, which you always leave by my bedside ,when running late for meetings?

Not even the morning kisses?

Not even your favorite line that you say every day.

Today I got nothing at all!

 

We always talk everything out,

What is bothering you this time?

I feel like I am caught up with all these emotions fighting unknown battle,

Thinking hard that I might be doing too much.

Are you tired of us?

Do you need space to think and breath?

Putting down my phone,I turn to your side of the bed looking at our photo.

*********Thinking**********

“You know, if she and I were still in the talking stage, she would be mad at me for playing too much games instead of talking to her.

And truth be told, I actually love it when she gets mad.

Am I a masochist?

No, it’s not like that.

She used to get mad at me a lot over the smallest things, and it was frustrating. But that’s what I miss the most about her right now because now I know that she was mad for one goddamned reason.”

I pause my thoughts ,Turning to look at the wall clock ,that has our picture that we took during our first date,

I can’t help it but to think, she cared. She was mad only because she cared.